Bittersweet NCEA.

Firstly, I'd like to begin this post with an apology. I haven't written in nearly a week (as you've no doubt noticed). I don't really have a good reason - I was away on a tramp for 3 days, but after that I've been 100% here (literally - I've hardly left the house o.O) But the real problem has been that I've had nothing to write about. When you only leave your house because your vitamin D levels are dangerously low, you kinda run out of things outsiders would be interested in. But, rejoice! Gaude (I hope you speak Latin). I finally have something to talk about, and not only that, one of the biggest SOMETHING's of the year - NCEA results.

Before I begin this story, a quick summary of NCEA is in order. If you're from NZ, skip to the next paragraph. So essentially, the National Certificate of Educational Achievement is the big certification you get for high school here in little old New Zealand. You need 80 credits to pass each of the levels - 1, 2 and 3. Being a lowly 5th former, I took Level 1 last year (you don't actually have a choice). There are two ways to gain credits: internals and externals. Internals are assignments and tests and STUFF assessed internally by the teachers at one's school. Externals are generally exams, and are marked by external markers. At L1 most standards (that's an assignment/test/exam worth credits) are worth between two and six credits. Most standards can be passed with Achievement (like a C grade), Merit (B) or Excellence (A). If one completes an NCEA at any level with 50 or more credits at Merit or Excellence, one will gain NCEA with Merit Endorsement. 50 credits or more at Excellence, and you get NCEA with Excellence - the highest grade awarded.

That's what I was aiming for (NCEA with Excellence). I didn't know if I'd got it - I had 32 Excellence credits from internals before I started exams. One of my 6-credit Latin standards was a shoe-in, I'd been getting E+ all year, so essentially I had 38 E's. 12 more and I'd be home and dry. Now, let the story commence!

NCEA results. They came out today. Online - there's another record of them in the post, but that won't get here for a few days. So here's how the story goes: I was just getting into a shower at about 11am after watching High School Musical on telly (see what I mean about not leaving the house?) when I realised that I hadn't checked CityVille yet. So I wrapped a towel around me and headed to the computer room. Getting on Facebook, I saw a post which chilled me to the bone: by a certain girl named Henny, who I have had the pleasure of being at school with these past three years. Three words, yet they were destined to change my day forever (melodrama :D) - "results are up".

My immediate reaction was "No way. Not yet! It's only the 12th for crying out loud!" NCEA results are meant to come out in the middle of January and me being me I automatically assumed they would be posted at midnight on the 15th, ready for me on the middle day of the month. But despite that small portion of my brain telling me it was all a trick, I started shaking like I was about to have a seizure or something (as it turned out I was, but I'll come to that in a sec). I clicked speedily onto the NZQA website. I'd been monitoring my account since the beginning of the month (Was I keen or WHAT?) so it had my data saved. A couple of clicks and I was in. I began to scroll down, looking for the characteristic breaks in results where my external marks were to be. Nothing (no breaks, that is). They were there!

Then I went into hyperdrive. By this time I was finding it hard to breathe (seizure symptoms getting worse) but I somehow managed to scan those results like a squirrel on crack cocaine. Two six-credit Excellences in the bag (one of them being the Latin one I knew I'd get). Two Science standards (5 credits each) at Excellence. Plus my Number paper for Maths. I hastily added it up, shaking so hard I could hardly hold a pen. Then I screamed very, very loudly and tried to call Mum. It took me three goes but I got there.

Here comes the seizure!

By the time Mum picked up I was crying hysterically. As soon as she did I screamed into the phone "I GOT NCEA WITH EXCELLENCE!!!" She didn't hear me, it just sounded like noise. I tried again. Still not getting through. Then I started crying even louder. Mum went onto panic stations, "Nina, what's wrong? What's happened?" I calmed down momentarily at that, long enough to say "Excellence endorsement" before screaming again and crying like the baby I really am. Then Mum started screaming too.

You know what the weird thing is? Mum asked shortly afterwards, she said "Those are happy tears, right?" And I said they were. But they actually weren't - I felt like my heart was breaking from grief. One of life's mysteries, I suppose.

Now that I've told my story, I need to explain the title of this post. It kinda ties in to the above paragraph. You see, NCEA results time is a time of both ecstasy and agony. For some, like me, all their dreams have come true at once. They've achieved their goals, their lives are on track. But below the hubbub of pure happiness is the other side of the exams coin - the side people like my friend Alice walk on. Alice has spina bifida, so she's in a wheelchair. She wants to be a teacher, but to do that you need to go to uni, then go to Teachers College. Alice failed NCEA Level 3 by 9 credits, meaning she doesn't make university entrance. Now, she doesn't have many options. She can go back to school and, humiliatingly, retake the year; or she can give up on the dream which pulled her through high school.

For others it's not so drastic, but still painful. Take one of my acquaintances, Neelum - although she passed, she was a single credit away from a Merit endorsement. Another friend-of-a-friend, Morgan, was four credits from an Excellence endorsement.

So this is why it's bittersweet, and I thank the Lord for giving me the depth to see it! Tonight many, many teenagers will go to sleep with a smile on their face. The others will cry themselves to sleep. Some, I have heard, have been grounded by their parents for bad results. In a home, somewhere, tonight, some parent who wants their child to succeed too much will hurt them physically for not getting the perfect result. That is a rarity, but another type of hurt will be around a lot - emotional hurt, created out of anger, from parents ashamed of their children because even though they tried as hard as they could, in the end it wasn't enough.

This is why NCEA is so very, very bittersweet. In so many ways, it's really more bitter than sweet.